Ramblings on life's duration

I just wanted to share something I learned in life. We are not guaranteed one moment past the last breath we drew. I know people say it. But do you really think it? Do you realize how fleeting this life is and how little time we really have to make an impression on this world?

I think about it way too much. Maybe it's because I've faced death so many times in such a short life. I lost my mom at the age of 10 and it still hurts like hell. Every time someone complains about how awful or annoying their mom is I just want to say... "Well.. be glad you have one." Obviously that's not the best or nicest thing to say to someone that just wants to vent but sometimes that's how I feel. Sometimes a girl just needs a mom.

I had a dream once about my mom. It started out as the most beautiful dream. I dreamed that miraculously my mom had been healed of cancer and we were leaving the hospital. As she was being wheeled out of the hospital she got bumped into an empty elevator shaft and died anyway. I woke up from my dream sobbing. I was absolutely struck right then by how life has no guarantee. There is no guarantee that if my mom hadn't had cancer that she wouldn't have died another way. Obviously I have this perfect dream life in my head where cancer doesn't exist and my mom didn't die but that's not the life I get.


The other day I was at the mall and I hear one mom say to another "Yesterday was the worst day of my life" and then went on to say how everything had just been a fight or a tantrum with her child. I wanted so badly just to say... "If that was the worst day of your life than I'd gladly change lives with you." If the worst you can throw out there is your kid had a bad tantrum day.. then be grateful for that life. At the end of the day no matter how my kids act as long as they are healthy and happy.. they won't ever cause me to say "I had the worst day ever" because... honestly. I've had way too many worst days ever to count. I am really praying hard that by some miracle of God I have already experienced the worst day ever in my life.

So. Sometimes I just ramble. Sometimes I'm just not happy or upbeat. But this is how I feel tonight.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

I ask myself the question often. "What do I want to be when I grow up?"

You would really think I would know by now but I don't. NO clue! I know I can go back to college. I know I will eventually. But to what end? What will be my final goal? I really wish I knew. I recently went back to my just out of high school job and I'm going to give the knife thing another go. I loved that job and I did well at it. However... when I was around all the new updated knife selling superstars I felt little. Small. I felt like some kind of insecure failure that was out of place in a world she didn't know anymore.

A long time ago. (7 1/2 yrs ago) I used to be one of those kids right out of highschool. The knife selling superstar. Confident. Cool. Collected. Able to speak in front of a few hundred people on my experience. Now I can't even get up the nerve to speak in front of my MOPS group. What happened to her I wonder? Where did she go and will I ever find her again?

I'm not very good at this obviously.

SO, I started my blog on August 3rd.

That was 9 months ago. I didn't tell anyone about it. And I didn't update it. Not very good form for a blog, huh?

Life hasn't changed a whole lot. The kids have gotten older. H and B have almost finished their school year. Next August will be 1st grade for H and kindergarten for B! I just registered him the other day. I can't believe my only little boy is going off to kindergarten!

M is busy being two. I'm trying hard not to say ((terrible)) two's but she has been a bit of a grump lately. I don't let it ruin my day though. Just hers.


I'm working a job now. I work in Walmart giving samples out to the masses for a Sales company. It's not a bad job and I mostly manage myself so that's nice. I definitely don't see myself doing this the rest of my life though.